Me

I am not taking this well. 

Besides the obvious (this situation sucks), for some reason, I can't seem to move on.
Even worse, I am, at the core, very sad, whereas normally I am annoyingly happy.  Sure, I get distracted and I laugh and I'm usually smiling - but deep down, there is a constant sadness.
I've even noticed that I'm having a hard time connecting to people with whom I've grown close.  There's an awkward divide that I can't seem to cross.

Jesse and I have discussed at length why I could be struggling moreso than him.

Of course, there's the simple fact that I'm more sentimental, more emotionally, more, well, female than him.  But it seems to be more than that.  I seem to be mourning the loss of our things worse than Jesse.  I think this is why...

For one, this fire happened on our third day of school.  I had just spent FOUR MONTHS off of work, at our home.  That is a lot of time to be in your home.  Half of those were spent with both of my children home with me all day.  This means that I had lots of time making memories in our home right before I lost it.  Lots of time to get connected to certain rooms, toys, and routines.

It also is the reason I've had nightmares about what I would've done had I'd been home, where Jesse recently hasn't had to think about that much.

Another reason I'm struggling so much is Moe.  While Jesse loved Moe, he did not have the relationship with him that I did.  Moe and I were together long before I even met Jesse.

I also think a reason is my lifelong fear of fire.  This has not helped that fear - it has intensified it.  The other night, while eating supper at my aunt's house with my family and my sister, the smoke alarm started blaring.  Both Mik and Jesse commented on the look of panic in my eyes.  I felt like I was about to have a panic attack.  It was nothing - some smoke from the oven that we quickly dispersed - but I honestly thought for a second that we were jinxed.

Yet another reason is that I'm simply not excited about renovating.  I have never wanted to build a home because I knew I didn't want to face all of those decisions.  I find it all stressful and overwhelming.  So, while Jesse has been able to lose himself in searching for ideas on light fixtures and paint colors, I can't quit thinking about how the house used to be.

I'm not sure what it's going to take for me to move on from this.  My mom and Jesse has mentioned therapy.  I don't know that it's necessary, though.  The sadness hasn't kept me from living my life.  I'm hoping that I eventually will just get over it.