Update

I knew better. I knew I shouldn't get sucked in. I knew every construction project takes longer than expected. But still, when our builder looked at me more than once and said with total confidence, "Oh we'll be finished by the end of January, no problem," I fell for it. I dreamt about it. I shared the date. I mentally counted down the days until Feb1st. 

With the long-awaited deadline fast approaching, Jesse and I went shopping this week for house stuff. We wanted to buy anything we'd actually need for living.  We had to be ready, we thought. 

In one quick trip, we bought our couch and ottoman, our living room rug, Eliot's bedding and rug, all Emerson's bedroom furniture. It was a bittersweet day. We were excited to pick out our new stuff, but sad knowing we couldn't use it right away. Spending the day picturing our home was painful actually. Finding and sitting on our old couch brought me to tears as I pictured Moe lounging on his favorite spot. 

When we got home, Jesse and I took turns saying, "I want to be home." Something about that trip made us really miss home and feel a need to be there.

So today, I text our builders...just curious...when would you guess is our move-in date? Then I waited anxiously for his response. 

I should've known better. I did know better. Still, when I got the following response, my heart broke: 

"Trim is being delivered Wednesday and starting Thursday with trim. I would say end of February middle of March."

Wow. 

Smiling

I keep getting complimented on my ability to stay positive through all of this.
Last month, the students gave me the Silver Shield Award.  The student who nominated me announced to the entire student body that  I had suffered a terrible tragedy this year, but that you would never know it because I come to school in a great mood every day.  Last night - on Christmas night - my facebook status simply said Life is awesome, and I got an incredibly kind post from a cousin explaining it was awesome because I choose to look at that positive.
I'm going to admit a few things about all of this...
1 - I know this is one of my greatest strengths.  I am a happy person.  I am optimistic and energetic 99.9% of the time.  I know that people value that, especially the older I get.
2 - I never go more than five minutes without thinking about the fire and our loss and, honestly, feeling insanely sad about it. I am on the brink of tears more often than people realize. I am so deeply sad - sadder than I have ever in my life felt - and it doesn't seem to get any easier with time. 

Some thoughts...

It's been awhile since I've written and so many times, I find myself thinking, "I need to write a post about that..."
So, here is my post about all of "that" - in no particular order.

Today, after someone asked me about the changes we've made to our home, she said, "You know, in a way, this could end up being a blessing."  I'd just like to add that to the list of things you should never say to someone who has lost her home to a fire.  Have we made positive changes?  Yes.  Are we saving ourselves years of home improvement projects?  Yes.  But that fire was and never will be a "blessing."  Trust me when I say those home projects could wait.

Similar to that, people have made several comments about how at least it's nice that I get to go shopping or that I have new stuff.  But people aren't really thinking it through when they make those comments. Everyone loves new clothes and new shoes.  But everyone also has that one pair of jogging pants she's had for years because its just so comfortable...  that one pair of boots that are the perfect blend of stylish and comfortable, which took many neglected pairs of boots and many different shoe stores to find... that "go to" black dress for nights when you want to look nice... that scarf, that sweater, that necklace that has some kind of emotional connection to it that makes you cling to it even years after you've stopped wearing it.  And then there are the things we don't think about...  When I went to replenish my closet in August, I didn't think about buying gloves.  I went a few weeks in December desperate for gloves until I got the opportunity to buy some.  Similarly, I forgot about rain books until I practically ruined a pair of pants walking through a rain storm.  Bras are impossible to buy online and yet I have no time to get to a mall, so I'm struggling in that department.  There's just so much.  When people seem jealous of my "new clothes," I wish they'd really stop and think about losing everything in their closet in exchange for a few new items.

On a more positive note, last week, we got walls!!  The dry wall finally went up.  That's been my dream since this happened - I wanted it to look like a home again.  It's finally starting to. The day that I went to see the drywall, I walked upstairs and stood in Emerson's old nursery and suddenly I was crying.  Tears were rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't figure out why.  I still can't really articulate it, but it was a blend of both good and bad emotions.  The walls made it look more like home, which brought back to reality what we lost.  It also made the changes come to life, which was fun but also made me miss the way it was.  They were also happy tears because it meant we were that much closer to being home.  It was an emotional moment for me, indeed.

I keep getting emotional about Moe.  I think it's the holidays.  Moe loved sitting under the Christmas tree.  It looks really empty without him.

This Friday, Jesse and I are going shopping to try to catch after Christmas sales on our home products.  That should be exciting!!

I'm falling asleep at the laptop - (life is pretty crazy right now around Christmas!) - so I better go.  Until next time... which will hopefully be sooner...