Moe

There is sadness.  There is emptiness.
But the emotion I feel the most when it comes to Moe is guilt.

Since Emerson's birth, I did not treat Moe well.  That worsened with Eliot's birth.  It was just so difficult. If Moe ever saw me on the couch alone, he'd quickly jump up and plump down right beside me because those times were rare.  But those times -- time when I got to just sit by myself on the couch - were rare!  I didn't want another body against mine, another being demanding my attention.  So sometimes I'd push him away.  I'd ignore him.  I didn't pet him like I did just a few years ago.

Or when I'd eat breakfast, Moe, without fail, would be at my side.  Any time food was around, Moe was around.  I'd get frustrated, though, because he'd get cat hair on my dress pants.  It was my own fault.  On the weekend or in the summer, I'd welcome his little purr and laugh with Emerson as I gave him the leftover milk from my bowl.  How was he supposed to know he couldn't do that Monday-Friday? 

When we tried to find pictures of Moe after the fire, the majority of the ones we found were from my old house - the house we lived in before the kids were born.  It is depressing that I didn't have one single picture of Moe on my iPhone.

I still struggle with Moe's death.  I know the guilt is a lot of it.  The way that he died is another big reason.  I cannot imagine his last moments.  Animals are so intuitive, I am confident he knew something was wrong and he was very scared. 

I didn't ask to see Moe that day because I didn't know if it was fire or smoke inhalation that killed him, and I was too scared to ask.  Thankfully, it was smoke.

I am glad that, I was starting to think Moe knew I would take up for him when Emerson tried to throw toys at him, chase him around the house, or yell at him for no reason.  He was starting to ignore her, which is a good thing, and he would sit close to me when she was near.  I am glad that we recently bought a brush to help with his shedding, because it made me give him some attention. He'd roll around and purr the entire time I brushed him. 

I just wish I'd taken advantage of those times a little more.

I miss you, Moe.  I'm sorry I didn't give you more attention.